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Warning!

Posted By Marilyn

Posted On: Nov 3 2009 9:00PM

Rec'd this from a bud..

WARNING: ONLY Read This If You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.
(Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a very vivid
picture... funny stuff.) (I laughed til I cried and my sides hurt!)

I went to "Lowes" recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
definitely going to sh*t yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff,
albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written
guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt
cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
'Watson's Movement 2'.. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just
when, I bravely set off for "Lowes" Store, my quest being paint and
supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store, at first all
seemed normal.... I selected a cart and began pushing it about
dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite
end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about...
I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Sh*t, gotta go' pain that always seems
to hit us at the wrong time...The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would
bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly
enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been
recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor
might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of
my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as clerk
in a red apron turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
dissipate... Have you ever been torn in two different directions
emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least
will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simpl watched as he
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor
so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and
running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his
head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me
feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing
that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing
that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced
off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the
whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion
took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat
because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in
while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and
Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-b*tch,
did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
escape me... The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his
shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner
shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the
manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked
none too kindly not to return

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to
eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I
went to shop at Targets... I can't say anymore about that because we
are in court over the whole matter.

Posted By José

ID#: 16785

Posted On: Nov 3 2009 11:41PM

Marilyn,

That's quite a lot to chew on. Could you please encapsulate?

Posted By kx viewer

ID#: 23434

Posted On: Nov 4 2009 6:40AM

Why I am against Chili Contests:

I am against chili cook offs ever since they banned me from entering. The rules clearly state "make the best cili and win". I have to wonder if the judges are quite within their rhealm of councious thought or even have a taste bud left to relay the sensation of taste to the central communication center which is already under attack by natural Commi-Cambodian-red-devil peppers equipped with natural emusifieing flamethrowers.

I will admit that I felt the judge's dispairing feelings as I saw reality loom down upon him, with his exasberated facial look of "why did I do just do that ?", after he had just chucked a spoonful of my Hot-Hiss-Porta-panic-bio-bye-gone chili in his mouth, and realized he had just found NASA's key to the internal combustion theory to still hold true to this day, as he slammed his head on the judge's table, and proceded to pound his fists in sequence with a silent countdown which was now ticking down in his head.

His ploom rose majesticly to the sky, with all eyes upon him and all noses pluged. We all marveled at all the facinating colors human flesh can actually display before the secondarys kicked in, and as he actually droped off the first stage and bounced off the second directly onto 3 innocent victims inadvertently seated in the recovery area, which was extended to-and-within a block upwind of ground zero due to the fact the fire department was not going to come one foot closer. I think we all hoped for some sort of second response but there was none other than a few flip flops the victims had made in their final, desperate, but valiant attempts of escape.

I don't know what the problem is, all victims had a fumeral and can now smell well.. Them judges should be fit with a castiron anus if they want to test my condemned chili though.

Posted By SHOPPEGIRL

ID#: 1614

Posted On: Nov 4 2009 9:12AM

cute...

Posted By petsr4ever

ID#: 10421

Posted On: Nov 4 2009 9:21AM

That was funny. Reminds me of our old dog, Petey, who we had to finally put to sleep last year at the ripe old age of 19. Petey was a Siberian Husky who ate everything rotten he could find outside. Then every night he would lay on the floor in our bedroom and pass the worst gas I have ever smelled in my life. I swear, the air in the room was green sometimes. Our other dog even had to leave a couple of times it was so bad. Sometimes I wonder how we survived it.

All for the love of dogs.

God Bless Petey

Posted By Marilyn

ID#: 23777

Posted On: Nov 4 2009 2:20PM

Pets, we have a Petie and he is 12. I saw on tv a couple of days ago that the Guiness Book of World Records dog for old age is 21... your dog came close! I know all about that gas problem. The brachiocephalic (flat-nosed) breeds are notorious for it. There's times when all four of our bostons and our old poodle are laying on the floor behind my office chair and the air gets so thick that I have to pull my shirt over my nose...and then that just takes the edge off the fumes. I have, on more than one occasion, gotten up and left the room. I'm kind of used to it after all these years, but I don't like it... wheww....