A  little  snail was slime crawling its way across a beach when it came upon 2 mean     turtles. The turtles beatup the snail and continued on their way.

The little  snail went back to Snailville, and all his   snail friends   asked what happened to him?  The little snail told them what happend and his friends were filled with rage.  Wanting to get even with the appropriate turtles that attacked the lttle snail,  they asked if he had gotten a good look at these turtles?

The little   snail said " W E L L   N O O o o     I T    A  L   L    H  A  P  P  E  N  E  D    S O O O o o o       F      A      S     T"       

  A farmer walked into a bar with a   chicken under his arm.

  A drunk at the bar says  " Nice Pig!"

  The farmers says "THis aiiiint no pig".

  The drunk says, " I know that,  I was talking to the chicken".   

BIG   cowbob Bll was captured by the inians.   The chief, impressed with cowbob Bill's size says "Ughh you big cowboy you passum test we no scalp you".

Cowbob Bill says   "Well waats da test?"

The chief says    "Uggh go in teepee #1 drink much wiskey. Come out!   Go in teepee #2 pull absethed tooth on bear.  Come out!   Go in teepee #3,  have sex with squaw woman,  never have sex before.

Cowbob thinks it over and says I can do that   

Cowbob goes in teepee #1 and the minutes tick by.  An hour later a drunken Cowbob staggers out of teepee #1 and staggers into teepee #2.  The bear growls, the fir flys, cowbob   YELLS, and the minutes tick by.  An hour later Cowbob staggers out of teepee #2 smoking a cigarette and saying,   "Alright where is that squaw with the absethed tooth?"

911 Emergency

  A stutterer and a beer drinker were in a bar when the beer drinker asked the stutterer what he thought of the current world situation.

  The stutterer said " IIIii Thththtin think wewewewe we shshshshsh shouldshould  ggggetetget ou ou ou out  of iiiiii rraaq Iraq an an an and ouu ouu out of af af af af af af ghan afghan afghanist afghanistan.

The beer drinker   "WELL HELL THATS EASY ENOUGH TO SAY!"

While Mrs Johnson was admitting her husband into the Old Flolks Home, Mr Johnson was left in the waiting room.  Sitting in his chair, a nurse spyed him leaning to the left, leaning to the left  a little more till his but was just about out of the chair when she grabed him and proped him up with a pillow.

The nurse then noticed Mr Johnson leaning to the right, leaning to the right a little more till his butt was just about out of the chair, when the nurse grabed him and proped him up on the right side.

Mrs Johnson walked into the waiting room and asked Mr Johnson if everything was alright? He says " WELL YEAAAA BUT WHY WONT THE LET ME FART?"   

A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.

So he says; "What's all this about?"

She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and  he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".

To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up." She replies!

  Olie and Lena both were diagnosed with Ahlzeimer's and the doctor suggested writing things down so they would remember.

One evening they were both watching t/v when Lena says " Ya know I could go for some icecream.  Olie thought he would like some to and would get some.  She says " Now dont forget I like chocolate on my icecream but not to much, you had better write it down".  Olie says " I been married to you for 50 years Lena I know how you like your icecream i dont need to write it down".

After a bit Olie walkes in and handsLena pancakes and eggs.  "Where is my toast?"  she asked.

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.

"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did - - Mrs. Riley's left breast." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"