You know a redneck has been on your computer when you find your machine stuck on a fly swatter page with smooshed flys all over your screen.

→http://majman.net/fly_loader.html

If you have watched yo mama cuss the highway patrol all the way to jail in the backseat of a highway patrol car for a speeding ticket, without taking the cigarette out of her mouth, you might be a redneck in North Dakota.

If you wakeup and drill a 3 foot hole in the ice and watch breakfast swim by, you might be a red neck in North Dakota.

If you have a sister named BillyBOB you might be a redneck from North Dakota.

If your wife is unusually pleasant and packs your lunch and gear and hastens you out of the house to go hunting  You might be a getting divorced red neck in North Dakota.

If your wife shoots you in the back of the head target practicing for deer hunting you might be a red neck and not nesessarily in North Dakota any more.  

If you take your wife deer hunting to walk point, and you use the ole deer hollar for deer, oh deer come here   and she answers and you shoot.  yup your definetly a red neck from North Dakota.  

If you have wittnessed real terrorism in the field deer hunting and qualify for PTSD tests you are an Official red neck from North Dakota.

   Ole and Lena were on a drive in the rain when Lena spys a baby   skunk along side the road.  Lena instructs Ole to pullover and rescue the poor baby skunk   out of the road and in the cold rain.  She says "look Ole it is shivering".  Ole says to put it under her dress. Lena says what about the smell?  Ole says "it will get used to it".

Further down the road the highway patrol stopped him for speeding and weaving over the cener line.  Smelling booze on Olie's breath he askes   "Ole , have you been drinking?"

  Ole says "Aaawww NO! if ya dOnt berieve me yust ask Lena she is a good chrrrissstian woman and wouldnt lye for anyone"

  "Well how about it Lena has Ole been drinking?"

Lena says shyly "If dare is anything i've learnd bein married to Ole for 40 years is you dont argue with him when he is drunk".   

LOL. I love those jokes! I giggled a lot! TY

Lena called the newspaper to place an obituary when Ole
died.

The receptionist asked "What would you like his obituary
to say?", to which Lena answered, "Ole died."

The receptionist then asked, "Lena, you get five full
words for free. Isn't there anything more you'd like to
say?"

A long pause followed. Finally, Lena answered: "Ole died.
Chevy for sale."

******************************

Ole was having eye trouble, so he went to see the optometrist. "Put
this little gadget over your left eye, Ole," said the optometrist. "Now
over the right eye, over the left eye. No, Ole, I said left eye. Now
right . . . No Ole, your right eye!"

 Completely confused, Ole just looked at the optometrist.
"Now, Ole," the optometrist continued, "just remember which is your
left hand. OK, Ole, cover your right eye . . . No Ole, that's your left
eye!"

 Finally in exasperation, the optometrist took a brown paper bag,
cut a hole in it, put it over Ole's head, and moved the hole back and
forth from the left eye to the right eye. "Now, Ole," asked the
optometrist, "How is that?" "Vell, Doc, I guess it's all right," said
Ole. "But I vas vishing I could have some wire rims like Sven."

  why i like the breast stroke one ill never know!

Ole went to the Polish Olympics.  They asked him if he was a Pole voulter?

  He said "No, and my name ain't Valter".

And Lena says, "Be careful because on the radio they say that some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway."

And Ole says, "One nut - - - - heck, there are hundreds of them!" 

"Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a potato in your swim trunks that would help." 

- - -So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, "I tried what you told me with the potato, but it doesn't help." 

Ole    so thats how ya spell it.

Ole lived along the river opposite Clarence.  Every day Clarence would yell profanitys at Ole and every time Ole said if it wasn't for this river I would be over there beating you like bad monkey.

One day the bridge company came out and built a bridge and Clarence was cussing Olie.  Lena yells to Ole   "now is you chance to prove your not all talk Ole cross that bridge and beat him! "

Ole slowly walked to the bridge and shrugged   his shoulders and came back.

Lena says " I just knew you were all talk OLE!"

  "Its not that LENA, there is a sign on the bridge that says  CAUTION!! CLARENCE IS 12 FEET 6 INCHES !!   He sure looked a lot smaller from a distance.

Ole, Lena, and little Ole went to the big City for the first time. They were walking down the street and looking in the windows of the big buildings. Little Ole spotted something that caught his eye and ran into a building. Big Ole and Lena followed him. There they all stood in front of a shiny metal door that was cut into a wall of black marble. A chubby, elderly, gray haired lady walked up and pushed a button on the wall next to the door. The door opened and she walked into the little room behind the shiny door. The door closed and the numbers above the door counted up and then down again. The shiny doors opened and a beautiful, well built, young lady walked out.

Little Ole said, "What kind of machine is dat, Dad?"

Big Ole replied, "I don't know little Ole, but push dat button and shove your Ma in there."

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Ole and his brother Lars grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There's no fish under the ice."

Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There's no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up.

Ole said, "Are you God?"

The voice spoke back, "No, the ice rink attendant."

Well after a crap joke like that I might as well keep going!

Olie and Lena were driving along when she tells Olie to pull over she had to go to the bathroom.  Olie thought about it, and there were no rest areas near, and says you cant go to the bathroom here, you will get the ground all muddy.  I know a spot hold on Lena!

Olie speeds up to the river and pulls over in the middle of the bridge.  Lena looks at Olie and askes how do you expect me to relieve myself here.  Olie says just sit up on the gard rail and hang your butt over the side.  Lena realizing Olie was showing great competence in oudoor matters,    she struggles to get her butt over the side, and when she does she yells "OLIEEEE I'M PEEING IN A CANUE!  Olle looks over the rail and says, "Lena,  thats no canue that is your reflection".

Hobbiegurl atleast someone got the joke. The rest of the 40 readers must be norwegian and don't quite get it. 

  Perhaps I need to describe it to them in more graphic detail?