For one Bismarck woman, a new life didn’t seem possible, until she considered ending her own.
On the outside.. she looked like an average mom, but on the inside, she was a closet drinker.
“I struggle on the daily. I just feel like I’m failing as a mom some days,” said McLain.
Jamie Mclain is 25 years old and has been sober for 9 months now. She loves to take care of her 2 boys, go to church and spend time with family.
But growing up in a home with parents who are now in recovery themselves, having a normal life seemed almost impossible, especially with having kids of her own now.
“I just never thought it would be this hard and being in recovery, you know I love my kids, they’re a part of me being sober but also a part of me going down this path. I was just stressed,” said McLain.
When she started drinking at 13 she felt the confidence she lacked as a teenager. The fear of failure slipped away as she began hanging out with the wrong crowd.
“They have a lot of problems and it turns out I do too .. Eventually through high school that’s when I started struggling. Mainly finding who I am. I was the shy kid. I was the one eating lunch in the bathrooms hiding from everyone because I just didn’t fit in,” said McLain.
As she got older her hobbies were racing cars and drinking. She never got in trouble with the law, but saw the effects of her behavior in her marriage.
“When she was drinking she was very mean..She would hide things She was manipulative, everything was my fault,” said Garret McLain /Jamie’s husband.
“I didn’t like ever being sober because sober me had to deal with me and I didn’t want to deal with me. I wanted to be someone else,” said McLain.
After many roadblocks and struggles with insecurities, it wasn’t until she came to a point where she wanted to take her own life that she knew she needed to stop.
“I think shame of some trauma that’s happened in the past. And feeling that I’m not good enough… I’m not worth it… you know I’d go to all these things to feel good. Whether it was you know alcohol, spending money, men. Anything that I could just fill this void,” said McLain.
Despite not wanting to feel pain from her past. She says it’s her faith in a power greater than herself that helped her heal and face herself today.
“I love me, I’m learning to love me and it’s taken me a long time…and God. God’s been my backbone,” said McLain.
And her marriage is better now too.
Her husband says, “She’s got more structure now. She’s a little more mature. She helps out with the kids and the house a little more so that way I’m not stuck doing everything. Looks like we’ve got more of a future than we used to.”
Jamie also started a Facebook page to support other women in recovery called Sober Women of ND. For more info on the group go here.